I am not a fraud

I am bigger than the problem. This is my way of thinking that's why all problems I've encountered from the very first time I stepped out of my comfort zone were considered minor and were easily solved. I guess, God had made my personality strong because He know I badly need it to take on responsibilities and to withstand any challenges that will come with these obligations.

However, there really came a point in our life when all our strengths are put into adversity: Patience, ability to decide wisely, health, discernment of things, believe in your family, hope and faith in God. I can say that now is the lowest point in my life (so far, because I know this one will not be the last one).

Our daily struggles consist of daily problems: financial problems, bills, food. Basically all about necessity. I can say that these problems are minor and really a part of our day to day living. Without these, I guess our life is useless. The essence of us working hard is nothing.

When our daily struggles is combine with a one step higher than our minor problem, then it is where the real problem materialize. Basic needs + family problems + jobless + financial problems + piles of bills + etc = BIG TIME problem.

What I'm trying to do here is to analyze where I am standing. All of those mentioned above were added to the bags of problems I am carrying right now.

Take one step at a time.

Live one day at a time.

Take your priorities.

If you have to ask me to mention one important thing in my life, it is my Family. The heap of difficulties I have now made me realized that. Because of all the pressing matters I have to attend to, it's the conflict with them that I did prioritize. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Five days that my focus was on them. On my mother. I forgot my boyfriend. I forgot that I am on the brink of losing my career. I forgot my financial problem. I forgot everything! I told myself that I have to settle problems with my family first or else the rest will fail. This is how I realized I am really that dedicated to my family. And it's sad because I know now that I am willing to sacrifice everything for them. Even my own happiness. And I don't like anticipating for the day that it will happen. Because I know also that it will be the time when I will hate myself and will start hating them for obliging me.

Solve one problem at a time.

Monday, my family problems were solved. And I thank God for answering my fervent prayer request to enlighten the mind of everyone. One problem is down. I gain. A plus point to my strength. I am stronger. And it's an automatic switch to face the next bigger problem in line: my career.

I am a very honest person. Very open and I guess the conflict with my family rooted for this one positive and at the same negative strength of mine. This is the very first instance where my integrity was put into question or has been at stake. My jobstreet profile is incomplete but I have a document attached on my jobstreet account that I assume will be checked on. Someone from my headhunter called for an initial assessment sometime last year and I am pretty sure if she'd asked me about my course I will say it's a 2-year course ONLY. I could not help adding the word only since this is how everyone treats a lower rank , if compared to a higher rank. I always hear it one would say I worked as a janitor only if asked by an employee with a better job profile. I don't like the negativity the word ONLY conotes. But for the sake of comparing it to a degree course, then really a diploma course is nothing compared to a degree right?

So there, I applied for this job where one of the qualifications is "an applicant should possess a degree course in IT". Armed with confidence and years of experience in IT-related field, I took my chance despite that my educational background did not match the required educational attainment. I know this part here is a repetition of my post here. I was very thankful that I made it through their initial assessment, technical interview and final interview until finally a JO (job offer) has been signed.

Last week I submitted some of my pre-employment requirements, these include my diploma. There they have noted for the first time that my course is a 2-yr course which caused a record descripancy. They asked me for character references, contacts of my immediate supervisors from my current and previous companies.

On Tuesday, someone had come by my boarding house checking my background. I wasn't around so I'm glad that one of my boardmates was there to answer some questions. Questions were: years of stay, if I was able to pay the rent, how much is the rent, etc.

Yesterday afternoon, a guy called me doing again a background check. Some are details about my family, my mother and father and sibling's educational background, their personal information, my hobbies during free time, if I have a credit card, my activities in the province, etc.

I don't have problem with all those questions because I have nothing to hide. I am not a fraud! I even want them to check my mail (of course in my presence) especially the Sent folders where they can check all my previous sent job applications where my attached resume contains my true educational background. What I provided them are the truths and one thing that is really alarming it really bothers me is that where they got the information that I am a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science/Information Technology graduate??? With all those questions, I feel like they are peeling my clothes, my skin until I'm bare. If I can only let them see my conscience, I will definitely try doing it. Just to prove them that I am intact and to restore my integrity that was stained because of this - what? a misunderstanding? a faulty assessment and documentation?

Am I a victim of a malicious hacking? Am I a victim of a faulty system? Is it my carelessness of submitting a faulty application form?

Just to clarify the latter, I re-check my jobstreet account and found out (warning: repetition ahead) that the Educational Background section is not completely accomplished. And I have attached a complete resume (in word doc) that any employer can refer to. And I have the confidence that they would request for an updated resume since in all my job applications, they do request for one.

Or are all these happen by a chance? to test me again?

All I can say is I am not a fraud.

I will take one step at a time. My other problems, they are not urgent. I will be facing it once this one is done.

I should not be here in the office in the first place. But I need to answer some urgent emails so I'm here :)

On my way here, I was analyzing my blog title In between breaks. I came up with this name because I was only able to blog during breaks. But then I realized that I am busy working during those in between breaks. I should have named my blog "in between work" or "in every break". Why this sudden thought? Nothing. I was just thinking of renaming my blog. Or perhaps I should just stick on it since it is the name known by my co-bloggers and since what I am blogging about are the things that happened to me in between my breaks (which of course are work-related, personal views and experiences). Whatever. I guess I have to gather my scattered thoughts first.

I wish everyone a 'happy blogging'. And for me? Wish me luck. And pray for me if you are willing :)

My sister's coming of age

I always considered that celebrating the coming of age is always special; should be exceptional. This is the time when a girl is officially considered a woman, not in experience, but in age. This is the official stage when a girl is no longer a child, can no longer be treated as a child.

8 years ago. I was the same vibrant, cheerful youth as my sister is. I was very excited to get a little bit older than 17. I thought that if I gain age, my whole world (the world of a 17 year old consisted of her family, friends and classmates, childhood sweetheart, foes, etc) will start to look upon me differently. And true to what I thought, my world started to change but not the way I want it to be. I was expecting that my family will give me a little bit more freedom than I usually enjoy; that my mother who is very strict (then) will finally allow me to entertain suitors, go on a date and have a boyfriend; that I could go home beyond 10p.m. without my mother raging because I'm late; that since I am officially an adult I could have my own decisions with whatever I want to do with my life; and most of all, they will stop treating me as a child and the usual pinching, occasional slapping and berating from my mother will cease. I was all wrong!

What changed? Lots of things changed. I had a curfew, I am not allowed to go out with 'barkada', I am not allowed to laugh out loud or giggle outside, in the middle of the street or whenever boys are around. Boring? Yes, but this is the life I was and still accustomed to. My younger life was spent on home cleaning, tending to my younger siblings, listening to music whole day, attending mass every Sunday, writing my journal to spill out everything, which is supposedly a secret. I told you, if you want to keep something from your family, never write it down on a diary. And studying... Despite all those strictness I don't have any resentment towards my mother because I know that with her disciplining method I've been molded to a better person that I am now.

My youngest sister had just celebrated her debut. She was the baby I look after whenever my mother was tending to other important family stuff. She was the cute girl crying whenever soap bubbles entered her eyes when I was giving her a bath. She was the small kid I was defending every time her playmates bullied her. She was the same little girl I hugged whenever she was scolded. She was my living barbie doll. I used to bring her to school and I stood, a very proud 'ate' whenever my classmates swarmed around her because she was a very sweet and adorable child. I smiled, ear to ear whenever my teacher said "ang cute naman ng sister mo" (your sister is so adorable). She was the baby of the family. Time passes by so fast that the once our baby is now all grown up, charming and beautiful. But she is still vulnerable.

Now I understand why my mother did not give me the freedom I was longing to have because of the same reason I am feeling right now towards my sister's turning point to adult life. I am afraid. I am afraid that she might do a wrong decision that would implicate her whole life. I am frightened because now, she will be more expose to harsh realities of life. And the very thing I am afraid of is seeing her fall in love with a wrong guy. I am afraid that I can no longer protect her and snatch her away from any troubles, failures and sadness she might encounter now that she has to emerge out of her comfort zone.

At her age, she already got so many suitors. And Lord knows how many fling relationship did she already have that were unknown to our mother. Once I asked about her recent 27-year old suitor. "Do you like him?" What I got was just a shrug of her shoulders combined with the words "ewan ko" (I don't know).

She could have directly said yes if she likes the guy or a simple no if not. But based on her reaction, she indirectly spelled out that she likes the guy. Plus, I can see that she is enjoying it. Being a protective sister that I am, I could not help but hope and pray she knows her boundaries and limitations and be strong enough to resists any temptations. I've been there, I've seen the curiosity in my young friends before and I know how younger people behave towards something they'd been longing to discover. I know that she too will feel it but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will use her head to think first before doing something she will regret for the rest of her life.

I know that each of us have our own time, our own way to discover things and our own intellect to approach things as they are. I could not tie her down and control her every decision. Trusting her and letting her discover things on her own will is also giving her every chance to know herself, to grow into a matured person, and to equip her with lessons that can only be learned from experience. There is something I can offer though, that is giving her valuable advice, guide her and be always there for her whenever she's down. She is no longer the child I used to defend. Even if she still is considered the baby of the family, I need to give her the freedom to fight her own battle. And the best advice that I could give is for her to take life one step at a time, never to hurry and savor every moment of it because she'll gonna miss this when she'd gain age.

As the song goes:

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this...

God bless her.

50 things to live by (by Maui V. Reyes)

I've been going the ups and downs of life's bumpy ride and still got a little understanding of the true essence of life. When I happen to stumble upon few lines of quotes about life in general, that helps me understand a little about myself.

I've read some qoutable lines in an old article of Philippine Daily Inquirer and can't help but re-post it here. The ones in bold are the ones I like the most and of course those are the ones I can relate to.

LIFE

1. With regards to problems, always remember that when it rains, it pours. And sometimes, there can be even hailstorm -- even in the Philippines.

2. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Is it worth all the worrying?

3. There are no shortcuts to any place worth going to.

4. No matter where you go, there will always be bad drivers.

5. If someone compliments you, smile and accept it. Take a moment to remember all the people who helped make you worthy of the compliment.

6. Stop "sleeping on it [problems]." If it were a real problem, you wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

7. The only permanent thing in life is change. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be happy.

8. Stop worrying about "what-ifs." Things will happen if they're meant to happen.

9. Sunscreen was invented for a reasons.

10. Remember that it takes both rain and sunshine to make rainbows.

11. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world suddenly remembers it has to be somewhere else.

12. Beer doesn't have the answer to problems. It only puts worries on hold.

13. You can't make people like you, and you can't please everyone.

14. Tequila is evil. It will always be evil, so don't expect that it will go easy on you next time.

15. Practice makes perfect, even if sometimes you hit several cars along the way.

16. The opposite of "love" is not "hate," but "not give a damn."

17. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach -- and flunk those who can.

18. You can cry over spilled milk. Just be sure to clean up afterward.

CAREER

19. If at first you do succeed, try not to act surprised.

20. Always be friendly to the people you meet on your way to the top. You are going to meet them on your way down.

21. To make your dreams come true, you have to wake up first.

22. You are never a failure unless you blame someone else.

23. There are a lot of things taught in school that you think you won't need. And indeed, most of them, you really don't need.

24. The teacher you hate the most gives you the worst grades, doesn't credit you for your efforts, and can't be bought. He goes by the name "Experience."

RELATIONSHIP

25. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

26. There is a big difference between "like" and "love." Learn which is which.

27. Only you can really hear your heart breaking and your real friends are the one who hear its echo.

28. If you don't have anything nice to say about your neighbor, it's best to shut up, keep things to yourself, and walk away. Why destroy a person's image when you yourself have to work on yours?

29. Sometimes, it's best to keep your feelings to yourself.

30. Cry him/her a river. Then build a bridge and walk over it. You may have to repeat the "procedure" a couple of times before you can stop building bridges.

31. When someone says he/she likes you, he/she just might really mean it.

32. True friends will make fun of what you do but support you all the way. Acquaintances will praise your work, and then not give a damn.

33. It's no use hanging on to a relationship that is only in your head. Wake up and make it happen.

34. A true friend won't jump off a cliff with you. He'll be at the bottom to catch you.

35. If he can't see what an awesome and amazing person you are, move on... while secretly wishing that one day he will.

FAMILY

36. Parents give their children two things: roots and wings. Children give their parents two things: screaming fits and migraines.

37. Remember that someday, you, too, will be getting screaming fits and migraines. So try to reduce what you give your parents.

38. Always remember that your mom had one foot in the grave to bring you to this world. And your father had to bear with her mood swings for nine months.

39. Family isn't just about being related. It's about actually being there for each other through thick and thin.

40. If you want to keep something from your family, don't write it down in your diary. (definitely not write it down)

41. The perfect, normal family is the one that is dysfunctional with many skeletons in the closet.

42. If your mother tells you to brush your teeth before going to bed or your teeth will rot, she's telling the truth.

SELF

43. It's okay to cry and bawl your eyes out once in awhile.

44. Always have some alone time. Watch a movie by yourself, have a drink in a cafe or go shopping.

45. People have their own quirks. But unless they involve public nudity and self-mutilation, don't try to change them.

46. You don't have to wait until New Year's day to make a resolution.

47. Love and respect yourself. If you can't, how will others love and respect you?

48. There is no such thing as a "perfect" body. If there is, then Barbie dolls would have come in different shapes and sizes.

49. Forgive yourself for torturing yourself.

50. You are an awesome person. Don't change for anyone.