My life is moving to a full twist right now. I felt like I'm imprisoned in an empty bottle and I'm seeing the cap twisting to its closing direction. I could not control it, I cannot cling onto the steep sides of the bottle to climb and come out. My love life is in jeopardy, not because of third party but because of me - my desire of finding something. My wedding was supposed to set by end of this year. But due to the unforeseen, it will be postponed to who knows when. I know now is one point in my life when I need the strength to hold on, to be there with him, and not to let go. For a reason I could not fully distinguish, I'm losing it. I'm guilty because I'm no longer fighting. But myself is trying to reason out, I've tried for years of waiting, hoping, pushing and I supposed my patience had reached it's maximum level. I'm tired and I just said "let's just go with the flow and see where will be heading. I'm tired of fighting, of always be on guard to make all of it work. And worst, I can no longer find the joy of doing what I had been doing years before". The other side of me reasons for him "I'm just expecting too much from him and that he's doing all the best he could do to make everything work as planned and it would be unfair for him if I just let go and leave him fighting alone."

My realizations: I wanted to be free and explore other possibilities. But I still want him to stand by for me. I know that unfairness is an understatement, this is selfishness. And I'm crying out for God on this part. I pray that He would give me wisdom to discern his will and guide me to it and have a sense of realization between what's valuable and worthless. That He would let me see the beauty of a person beyond skin-deep.

It is hard when you are at the crossroad and you need to choose to trudge only one path that would involve your future, your wants and dreams in life. If only you could choose both. If only you could just cling on to what have been were and not getting to a part of disarray and confusion. But life doesn't work that way; life is always about learning mistakes of the past and moving forward. Ah! Life is such a beautiful mess of yearnings, appealing options and false possibilities but you need to be fully aware of what you really wanted, and once you've already selected an option, you have to live with it as there would definitely no going back. You could not get to enjoy the best of both world.

Wish there's no office today...

I'm too early for my 8am meeting, been here quarter to 7. It's pouring heavy rain outside and strong winds are hurling. I'm waiting for at least one of office mates to show up, 7:15 here and usually they're early.

Typhoon Pedring is bawling outside, destructing whatever he could on his way to wherever his destination is!

Part 1: My Bucket List

Admit it, sometimes there are random questions in life that can simply be answered by yes or no but would left you dumbfounded and you end up processing that question at the back of your mind. The simple question now becomes your life's biggest puzzle. It would struck realizations in you, left a hole in your heart to fill in and worst make you wonder and ask the 'what ifs'.

One petty usual question that my friend had asked me during long breaks in the office was 'what's the craziest things you've done so far?'. Uhmmm... I never had an answer to it even after I spent hours pondering that question. Until I realized, I never did do crazy things because of my uptight upbringing. Just thinking of violating the house rules and how doing these foolish things would affect me made me feel jumpy and on edge. I never dated when I was in high school. I only started dating (with the only man I'm dating for years now) when I was graduating in college. Cutting classes, beer-drinking, smoking, late night outs or parties with girls, giggles and boisterous laughter in the street were never my thing. Not that I would like to do those stuff if given a chance to go back, but I've always been rigidly conventional that I had realized I never did live a life of fun experience! That my life had been oh-so-boring. That if someone would asked me to write an entry about the funniest and craziest things I had ever experienced, I'm pretty sure I could not even list one!

Considering that I'm gaining my years and on my way to mid life, these questions had me on thinking, make me want to do more, to dream big and explore life, its other options and possibilities that I never even thought of before.

For the past several months, I've been mentally noting down things that I really wanted to do and haven't had a chance, a time and a drive to do it. Please don't expect extremes because I know It's a little too late for me to try extreme stuff. I'm not a risk-taker and I don't want to strangle my life with complications if ever I step out of my boundaries and limits which include and not limited to beer-drinking, smoking and going out with stranger.

Here now is my top ten wanna do list (in order of difficulties, 10 the easiest and 1 being the most difficult). I am targeting to accomplish all, except for some that requires budget, in two months. The countdown starts today, Sunday September 25, 2011.

Why the two months time frame? Because I am only free and single within the next two months. So that means the item #10 on my list should be marked as crossed:

10. Take two months break of being a girlfriend

9. Go to a movie house and watch a date movie alone.

8. Take a bus somewhere south with no definite destination and alone (I live north of Luzon that is why I choose to go South).

7. For just once, I want to know how it feels to get drunk. Super super drunk. I just need a trusted girl friend to accompany me. So I need an accomplice on this one :)

6. Watch sunset on a Saturday -- and alone again!

5. Have a retreat -- I never done retreat for over 10 years now.

4. Have my own fashion statement -- i can do this but I need to change my wardrobe. Changing my wardrobe would mean 'money' so it might take a while before I could achieve this one.

3. Volunteer work -- I've already inquired at our local church, maybe I could assist at kid's Sunday service.

2. Learn another language, Japanese or Spanish maybe --- this has monetary value, I could only start working on it within two months but it would be impossible for me to achieve it within the 60 days period.

1. Spill out something on someone. This is my top 1, the most difficult and I'm not sure if I have the guts to do it. But I will keep it on my list for now. If I never had the guts to, then I will take this bungee jumping at SM mall as replacement -- I noticed only teenagers are doing this bungee jumping, I wonder why no adults are trying it?

So there it goes, wish me good luck on trying my list of some-not-so-foolish-things compared to yours :)

P.S. I have changed the title to make it more appropriate. And right now I am having second thoughts on doing my top rank! I'm not talking about the bungee jumping. I realized my top 1 may not be smart at all.
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