Afterglow

82 days before Christmas. Time flies! Why couldn't we keep time from moving on? Why couldn't we just say the command 'freeze' and everything will freeze giving us a chance to linger? But if this is possible, do you think it would take the excitement out of life? I would think so.

There are spur-of-the-moment acts that made us giddy and giggly. Unexpected opportunities that almost made us tumble because the excitement is too unbearable for us. If the moment would be prolonged, don't you think the length of time would be able to sustain it? Excitement cease to exist when spoiled. And one spoiler is you staying in that moment longer when you need is to move on.

If we could freeze out the time, chances are we will all miss the fun and great opportunities the future could bring; we will not get to enjoy the best parts of life. Remember that life is not only about pleasant moments. The one that molds us into who we will become are the events that we usually dread to experience.

There are moments that we so wanted to last but we could not take hold of it. What's left is just an afterglow... but we could bask in it. Despite losing the actual moment, we are lucky enough that we have all been given with special gift - memories, that allow us to recall our pasts with smiles and tears in our eyes.

We could not get hold of everything. But we could at least try to get hold of what we could have. So we better make the most out of it.

Part 1: My Bucket List

Admit it, sometimes there are random questions in life that can simply be answered by yes or no but would left you dumbfounded and you end up processing that question at the back of your mind. The simple question now becomes your life's biggest puzzle. It would struck realizations in you, left a hole in your heart to fill in and worst make you wonder and ask the 'what ifs'.

One petty usual question that my friend had asked me during long breaks in the office was 'what's the craziest things you've done so far?'. Uhmmm... I never had an answer to it even after I spent hours pondering that question. Until I realized, I never did do crazy things because of my uptight upbringing. Just thinking of violating the house rules and how doing these foolish things would affect me made me feel jumpy and on edge. I never dated when I was in high school. I only started dating (with the only man I'm dating for years now) when I was graduating in college. Cutting classes, beer-drinking, smoking, late night outs or parties with girls, giggles and boisterous laughter in the street were never my thing. Not that I would like to do those stuff if given a chance to go back, but I've always been rigidly conventional that I had realized I never did live a life of fun experience! That my life had been oh-so-boring. That if someone would asked me to write an entry about the funniest and craziest things I had ever experienced, I'm pretty sure I could not even list one!

Considering that I'm gaining my years and on my way to mid life, these questions had me on thinking, make me want to do more, to dream big and explore life, its other options and possibilities that I never even thought of before.

For the past several months, I've been mentally noting down things that I really wanted to do and haven't had a chance, a time and a drive to do it. Please don't expect extremes because I know It's a little too late for me to try extreme stuff. I'm not a risk-taker and I don't want to strangle my life with complications if ever I step out of my boundaries and limits which include and not limited to beer-drinking, smoking and going out with stranger.

Here now is my top ten wanna do list (in order of difficulties, 10 the easiest and 1 being the most difficult). I am targeting to accomplish all, except for some that requires budget, in two months. The countdown starts today, Sunday September 25, 2011.

Why the two months time frame? Because I am only free and single within the next two months. So that means the item #10 on my list should be marked as crossed:

10. Take two months break of being a girlfriend

9. Go to a movie house and watch a date movie alone.

8. Take a bus somewhere south with no definite destination and alone (I live north of Luzon that is why I choose to go South).

7. For just once, I want to know how it feels to get drunk. Super super drunk. I just need a trusted girl friend to accompany me. So I need an accomplice on this one :)

6. Watch sunset on a Saturday -- and alone again!

5. Have a retreat -- I never done retreat for over 10 years now.

4. Have my own fashion statement -- i can do this but I need to change my wardrobe. Changing my wardrobe would mean 'money' so it might take a while before I could achieve this one.

3. Volunteer work -- I've already inquired at our local church, maybe I could assist at kid's Sunday service.

2. Learn another language, Japanese or Spanish maybe --- this has monetary value, I could only start working on it within two months but it would be impossible for me to achieve it within the 60 days period.

1. Spill out something on someone. This is my top 1, the most difficult and I'm not sure if I have the guts to do it. But I will keep it on my list for now. If I never had the guts to, then I will take this bungee jumping at SM mall as replacement -- I noticed only teenagers are doing this bungee jumping, I wonder why no adults are trying it?

So there it goes, wish me good luck on trying my list of some-not-so-foolish-things compared to yours :)

P.S. I have changed the title to make it more appropriate. And right now I am having second thoughts on doing my top rank! I'm not talking about the bungee jumping. I realized my top 1 may not be smart at all.

Sayonara onee-san

I don't want to make it a habit that every time I have a time to update this blog, I bring in sad stories. Maybe because I'm down and sad, and thoughts keep on pestering me that I need to find a way to discharge it. And writing down is just the easiest it is like applying a balm to my aching heart.

Some says it is hard being the one to leave but it is harder being the one who stays. For me, what's most disturbing is not knowing, even a hint, the reason of someone's decision to just 'pop' and disappear. But the aching part here, is that a person you have learned to love decided to took her life and walk out of everyone's life forever. No more seeing her face, no more hearing her laughter, no more feeling her as you walk hand in hand.

The things that you can do when such tragedy happens is to just hold on to happy memories. The resentment if there might have been, the misunderstanding if it existed all forgotten. Ironic, because when a person is gone that is the only time that one realizes that person's importance, all the good things done will be remembered. Misdoings all forgiven.

Though I don't have any resentment and don't recall any misunderstanding, but the part that I'm guilty about is that I had kept my distance. If I tried a harder, will it be a little different?

To my onee-san, even though I have just known you in a little while, I'd still have my memory of you. You've loved my mother and that was the reason why I looked up to you. To you, sayonara.

And forgive me if I'm questioning you over something I don't have the right to ask and for doubting you. I don't know your dilemma. I don't have any idea of what you've been thru. And for that... gomensai...

Sayonara onee-san :(

Inward Reflection

God doesn't play dice. When He created me, He was looking at a bigger picture. He was looking at the future. I have a little significant purpose that is why I am here. I may feel my life is just following a wandering course, it is because I have yet to understand or realize the reason of my existence.

Today is my second day of reading The Purpose Driven Life book. Reading this book was an overdue plan made into action when during our Christmas exchange gift, we were required to give a wish-list worth at least 500 pesos. I could not think of anything but the pepper spray (for self-defense) amounting to 300 pesos and this book, the Purpose Driven Life at 225 pesos.

Since before I've been questioning God why I was born this way. Honestly, I am not fully satisfied at how I physically look. I don't like my built, I'm petite and always been a victim of ridicule. Sometimes, it is the root of my diffidence. But since high school till then I learned to stand and face those bouts of life. I became sturdy instead of vulnerable. I became flexible. I've got insecurities and whenever this feeling strikes, I always remind myself to be happy of what I got and to look at my positive traits. See what God had made me? I developed a strong personality.

God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose your race, the color of your skin, your hair and every other feature...

My petite figure is definitely not a mistake. Whenever I overcome insecurities and whenever somebody praises me for the beauty they'd seen in me, I tend to show feelings of unwarranted importance because of overbearing pride. I struggle inside to suppress that exuberance. But my friends or acquaintances, they may have their own observations and thoughts. I may felt or convinced myself that I had suppressed that pride but I may unknowingly acted just the opposite. And I'm not happy about that. My petite figure is not a mistake or accident. God knows if He had given me a perfect figure, I may not learned how to appreciate what I have, to be considerate of the feelings of others and to be humble. The way I am is purposely given by God to bend me to someone pleasing to Him. Right now, I'm not saying I am perfectly humble, deep inside I'm restraining that pride but I am trying to be humble with no sense of excessive self-respect.

Everything we posses has its intended purpose that molds us into who we will become.

I should have not posted this, this is my inward reflection and I initially intend to silently keep it in me. But I just would like to share it so that anyone who feel like he's somebody would start thinking how to bring down his inflated feeling of pride, his feeling of superiority and just learn to be modest and appreciate what others have without the grudging admiration.

Life's uncanny twist

Life is composed of good and bad jokes. Jokes that are real, are happening and are meant to knock you down big time! Jokes that will mold you into who you will become as years go by.

It is the 'bad jokes' really that makes a life all worth living. Unpleasant jokes are the ones that leave marks into our being. When you happen to take a flash back at your earlier life, you would recall those but the recollection will just make you smile and wonder how in the world you were able to surpass those great trials.

I have a friend who happened to have her most unpleasant joke in her entire life so far and it took place yesterday. Her bad fortune yesterday might not be at its highest peak yet but this one really knocked her down. I can relate to her situation because I happened to be in her shoes a month ago when I had dealt with the possibility of my being an instant jobless.

She applied for this global company where all her abilities are put into test: her memory and adeptness, patience, health and her financial conditions as well. But she'd overcome it all except for the one thing that is beyond her control. Once she's in with the company, she will be sent abroad for a required training, for chartered accounting I guess. Thus, passport is one of the most important and a must requirement and she have not applied for one yet.

Passport application here in the Philippine is one of the greatest challenge for every Filipino. If you want to have your application submitted in a day, you'll have to wake up very early and line up your ass at DFA at a wee hour or to be specific, be there as early as 3AM so you could grab a slot. If you're late you'll end up standing at the line's tail 'til your foot sore and if you're not lucky enough, head home without being accommodate because DFA had already filled out their slots for the day.

Being ill, she decided against lining up herself waiting for her slot number to be called. She went to some agency, filed for an expedite passport application, agency promising her to have her passport in no less than 10days, paid 1300.00 or something closer to that amount and wait. The company she'd applied to on the other hand never did falter doing their follow ups of her passport. Now and then she'd received a call, a text, an email, a call again asking the status of her passport application and if there is already a feedback of its release date.

Today, March 8, 2010 is supposedly her first day at her new company. Yesterday, her luck went down. The company called and canceled her employment all because she could not provide her passport's release date. This, I thought, is a total zero consideration though I understand they have every right to turn down her employment. The agency gave no further details on the release date but just keep on assuring her they're working on it.

The release date is just what the company is asking. The agency was not able to provide it. DFA is transferring their office which will affect the processing of passport application. Being assured of the employment since she'd already signed a job offer sheet, she'd submitted her immediate resignation and already served her last day at her previous company last Friday thus making her today an instant jobless.

Wrong move? Or is it just the twist of fate? Conflicts entangled as if, if one conflict is solved, one is simply designed to be there to prevent her from getting the job she had so aspired. It seems like there is unseen reason to it all. Well, being an instant jobless does not mean an end of the world for her but putting up all her strength and hope to this 'job of her dreams' and having to exert all effort that it totally felt like she was fast-flying, broke her wings, somersault into the
air and 'splat!' suddenly hit the floor, helpless. I understood her bawling.

And to think of it all, the job is already an inch-away and she could already have it, its becoming positive that she could feel it and even I already had wish her luck for her new found job. Only the fate intervene as if everything that happened for the past two weeks of her application dilemma were all but a joke. A bad joke. A bad dream. The pleasing feeling of nearly-acquiring it returns a bitterly disappointment.

As we try to alleviate her grief (strong word but the only exact word I could think of to describe her bellowing), we could only think of something: a reason for it is yet to be understood. We'd tried to shift her focus on small positive things that happened like she'd already completed her requirements and applying for another job would mean less effort and time arranging for those papers not to mention she just got a call from a prestigious company considering her application.

We made funny comments just to lighten up the moods and somehow our unhappy chats drifted to a jovial conversation. We jokingly said we could share her our happy meals consisted of noodles, breads and oat meals. Then I told her, 'don't worry time will come that when you look back you'll find humor in this'. Adding up, 'sometimes bad thing leads to a breakthrough, you just never know.

Yes I'd said life is composed of bad and good jokes. But let me stress on this, life itself is not a joke for it is brought into purpose. Yes, the choices we made decide our fate which partially means we are basically in control of the things we would like to achieve. But ironically there is always this divine intervention that however we tried, there are things beyond our control making it impossible to reach that choice we so wanted.

Think and think well

How do you look at life?

Do you see a solution in every challenge or a problem in every circumstance?

Are you hopeful? Do you always see the glass half-full? Or are you seeing it half-empty?

Are you sad because there are thorns in the roses or are you rejoicing because roses have thorns?

The questions above may not have a direct relation to my post below but whatever answers, yours and mine, to these questions are just to prove people have different perspective in life.

Each have their own way of seeing every circumstances, of percieving every single things, of regarding situations and topics. The appearance of things to one person is not the same appearance as viewed by another. All of these affects our judgment.

It is not evitable having few heated arguments arising from every topic - with sense or senseless. People are prone to be subjective in judgment.

Subjective judgment. Rearranging prejudices based on the individual's emotional view and preconceived ideas.

I don't usually give my two-cents and I don't usually contest my side of the argument but when I do, it's done impulsively. People tend to blurt and I'm one of those, the worst sometimes, it is in a wrong tone. And when I do, I could just mumble to myself, "Oh girl I wish you'd just shut up!"

But whatever I think is my standing. I could not force someone to believe in what I believe just as someone could not force me to do the same. However, I always have a space in my mind for the consideration, weighing the pros and cons of someone's argument.

This is my rule of thumb: Think before you say it. But when you do say it and it's too late to hold back the words, think again before you get yourself fuming over the retaliations you've received.

This applies to me and I'm getting myself working on it. And I think this applies to everyone too.